Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
