apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
