true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
