Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
