found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
