I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
