A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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