my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
