just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
