No stitches, just platelets and will power
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
