There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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