I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
40s are totally the cure
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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