You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
