I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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