non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
