his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
