can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
