you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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