On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
