remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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