why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
