I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
