Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
