Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
