I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
