Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
