WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
