It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
