mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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