Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
