So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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