I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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