I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
