I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
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She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
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Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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