When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Semen is not good for contacts.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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