you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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