I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
