ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
