my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
