i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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