This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
