u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
