Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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