oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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