Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
