you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
