I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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