...so i touched it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
