my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she peed on how many people?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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