my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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