We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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