I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
