Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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