my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
