my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We left an ass print on the piano.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
