Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
