How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We need to get me chipped asap
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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